If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.