@ginadivittorio

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

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@JasonLastname

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

@coolauntV

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

@scott_towel

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@squirrel74wkgn

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.