@ginadivittorio

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

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@GoldenSpirals

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

@rebrafsim

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

@Fred_Delicious

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

@FredPollack

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@SarcasticAlly12

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@ceejoyner

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery