Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Just me?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.