Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
me hitting on a model