ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough