ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Mmmm canned fish.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”