Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Wait a minute

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Me trying to reach for my goals

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur