Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

necessity is the mother of invention

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.