My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.