Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”