ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
2022 be like
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Wednesday
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
