ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
