ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
That’s amazing.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.