Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Writing, She Murdered.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
shampoo implies shampee
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.