me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
You Might Also Like
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Our lord and savoury.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen