Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

How about daylight saves us for once

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

How much for the goth pool noodles?

me opening up to someone

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.