me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Oh my God.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes