me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.