Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
