Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Every time my phone rings

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Remember folks 😂

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

A great first step 😂

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?