Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”