ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure


My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.


My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.


Husband: “I heard that sex is a great way to relieve the stress of Coronavirus.”

Me: “I heard that the Coronavirus will likely cause a spike in divorce rates.”


Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”


What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”



Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.