Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
handsome & gretel
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“We will wed,” I threatened
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
How dude HOW?!
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.