Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria