Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time