Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Breaking news:
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”