ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
