Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

If only

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

I love twitter

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

This is so me 😂😂

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.