Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Damn what did I do next

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.