Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.