Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
dogs can find happiness so easily