Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off