me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.