ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”