ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
☠️☠️☠️
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
The little toadstool has spoken.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does