Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

multitasking lunch

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*