Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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…..pretty much.
honestly, i need both:
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.