Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Has science gone too far?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was