Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free