Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room