Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

lol

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)