me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?