Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?