ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I have many caverns
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?