ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
*frowns in Scottish*
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated