Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
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My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
fired
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.