Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier just checked me out.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.