Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
How to walk around a museum
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever