Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep