Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
wow
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“What movie?” 🤔
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.