@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

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@warmyellowlight

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night

@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

@AdamOfEarth

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

@SatansTongue

*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

@IntrepidDeviant

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

@lucky_300

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

@Zaufo

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.