@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

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@SugarMagicSpice

This isolation thing isn’t going to be so hard. I spent half my teenage years getting grounded so there’s that.

@mstern68

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@fro_vo

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir we’re going to have to ask you to leave
ME: but they are my emotional support bees

@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.