when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night
Her: I love Christmas.
Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.