Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Have a lovely day 😊
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Bros before Ohioes
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
