Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.