Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think