Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go