Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)