@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

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@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@timdonakowski

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

@NoogsCorner

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

@bridger_w

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

@qwertying

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?

@LogicLaughs

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting