Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

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Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.


Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.


*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard


Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.


[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still


There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.


I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.


If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party


Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere


waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money