me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
asking santa clause for nudes
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.