me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you