me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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Tastes like chicken.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
About to form my very first opinion
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.