Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

😆

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.