ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.