Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole