Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u