ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.