I’ll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*
Who were the kings of disco?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.