ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins