@sofarrsogud

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

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@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

@SadieSkyNinja

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

@pleatedjeans

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@Dadpression

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

@ddsmidt

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.