This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.