Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New tinder profile pic

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.